It’s Actually Really Hard.

 Soooo…. I bought the ticket. That means I have to go now. August 21st, at 2:45 pm. Portland to Frankfurt. Everyone has been asking me if I am excited. Yes. However, I am also absolutely scared out of my wits. I have avoided thinking about leaving because I don’t want to face my fear, nor the emotion that comes with the reality of living. My heart is torn because I love Oregon, but I love Germany. I call them both “home.” Some people might see this as an incredible adventure for me-which it is- but it is so much more than that. I bought a one way ticket. My generation says, “That’s awesome! You’re finally getting out of this town!” But, just getting out of this town is just the first step. I am leaving some of my very best friends who know me, all of me, and still love me. I am leaving my parents again but with no for sure date of return. I am leaving my best friend, my dog, Max. I am leaving my own room with my own things. I am leaving my car and other possessions that I can’t take with me on a plane. I am leaving the beautiful Oregon which I have hiked and camped in. I am leaving a church family that I have known for 20 years. I am leaving neighborhoods and streets which I have memorized. I am leaving some of the most delicious and cheapest food around. Now, ask me again if I am excited.

I am trying to tell you that, yes, I love Germany and I love this new season that I am entering in, but it’s not easy nor glamorous. The term “missionary” has been glamorized in society. When people say, “I’m going to be a missionary!”, people think, “Wow. They are going to go do something really cool somewhere in the world and they are so awesome.” MAYBE that is somewhat true. But it is not easy to just pick up and leave. It forces me to think about the call Jesus placed on my life two years ago right around this time. I was in German visiting and I had just hit rock bottom. I was sitting in the top floor of my house sitting on the computer, probably on Pinterest and then all of a sudden I hear, “Are you done, yet?” I was stunned. I was heartbroken. I bowed my head and closed my eyes and said, “Yeah. I am.” At that moment, I decided I would begin to follow Jesus. What the means to me now is that I said, “Jesus, I will follow you to the ends of the earth. I will say yes to you every morning no matter the cost.” That’s a large statement. The cost of following Jesus is great. It means a painful lifestyle and constantly living in the uncomfortable. A few weeks ago I thought I was feeling pretty pain-free and was completely comfortable with where I was in my relationship with Christ. In Revelation, Jesus basically says, “I don’t want you to be lukewarm. I can’t use you when you’re like that.” It only took about a week to realize I have a lot of pain and am in the most uncomfortable place possible. And I am totally okay with that. Jesus can use me at my best now.

Concerning my financial needs, they are still there, but recognizing that I have been too focused on the things I don’t have, I had to see what I already have.

1. I have a home I can stay in for free.
2. They will feed me.
3. My internship doesn’t cost me anything.
4. I had enough money to get me there.
5. There are people who have partnered with me.

I am blessed as it is. I was driving the other day and was listening to some worship music. There were two songs that made me break down and cry as I was driving. One is called, “Daily Bread” and it speaks of God being Provider. The lyrics say, “You delight in supplying my needs. You delight in taking care of me, Father. You come through just in time. You come through just in time, even when I’m not expecting it. You provide for me… Surely You will come and meet my needs.”

It is upon His timing, not mine. He never comes early, and He never comes late. He always provides just in time. And I like it that way. I trust He will provide at the most perfect time. I have given him my worries and fears, because He can bear them. Feel free to listen to this most beautiful song.

Another song that made me cry is a more famous one called, “You Make Me Brave.” These lyrics encouraged me in knowing that His promises to me stand. The song says “You make me brave, no fear can hinder now the promises You made. You make me brave, You call me out beyond the shore into the waves.” Now, if I had a choice, I would much rather stay on shore because I trust that it is safer that swimming out into the big waves which will push me and hit me. Yet, I am being called out to walk towards Jesus in the waves. If Peter could walk on water by staring at Jesus, then I can do the same. My eyes are on the prize and no fear can hinder that. Listen to this one as well.

A couple weeks ago, I emailed a missionary from our church who is currently living in Albania. I asked him what it was like for him to move away from home, family and friends, and all things known and comfortable. I also asked him for some advice about what would help me the most when I make the transition away from here. He encouraged me to make a list of all the reasons why I feel I should go to Germany. So, I am going to do just that.

• I love Germany and the people who live there.
• I love Jesus and want to follow Him wherever He leads me, and currently that is Germany.
• Man Sieht Sich Immer Zwei Mal Im Leben. I will see my friends and family again. It is not goodbye forever.
• I am a leader who feels called to shepherd and love the nation of Germany.
• They need a person who lives in light and confidence.
• God sees the nation just like I do, and His heart mourns for the hearts of His children, just as mine does.

Although this is not a lengthy list, it is enough.

Point of this being, I am excited, but I am scared, too. And that’s okay. It’s a scary thing He has called me to, but He provides and does not lead me to a path of darkness, but on a straight and narrow path towards Him.

If you have any more questions about how I feel about leaving, please do not hesitate to ask. I will do my best to answer any questions you have.

Thank you for supporting me in this transition. I love you.

❤ Sara