It Is Well With Me

I don’t really know where to begin with telling you about the emotional roller coaster I have experienced since I’ve been here. Leaving as you know was terrible, but then I was excited to be back. Everything was new and exciting but a little overwhelming at times, but by the end of the day, things would usually settle down a bit and I would feel more at ease. And then… things got weird when someone asked me if I was homesick. I thought I had been fine and then once that question was asked, I knew that I was going to start missing home. Ever since Sunday (when the question was asked), I have been in this weird mood of “now that they mentioned home, now I feel homesick”. I have been noticing the littlest things that make me think of home and it just hurts. Like watching a Dad hug and kiss his daughter on the forehead, or a Mom rushing to her daughter’s aid because she feels sick. I do not have these simple luxuries anymore. Yes, people can try to fill those positions now that I am away from home, but there is no better feeling than feeling like a little kid again and having your parents there for you in those crappy times.

Add to that feelings of nervousness because I don’t know if I will be able to stay longer than three months because I might not be able to get a visa. Through that comes feelings of doubt. These past few days, my mind treats things as if I am only staying for three months, “Oh, doesn’t matter that I forgot that at home since I’ll be there soon anyway.” From that comes fear of actually staying because my mind has created this image of being able to go home and be comfortable once again.

However, here are my thoughts. They are a bit jumbled.

I don’t think you guys understand how embarrassing it would be to have to come back after three months to my home town, where my church community has prayed over me and sent me out. I made this trip to Germany out to be this HUGE move and… then I would have to be sent back? “Thanks for your support guys, but it didn’t really work out.” And, if I did go back, what would I do? Go to school? Get a job? Work another internship at a church? Move out? Stay at home? I have no idea. But it would be easier for me to do all those things than it is to do one of them here. But I would miss Germany and want to come here all the time. Is my calling really here? If it is, is it for now? Am I supposed to only be here for three months? If so, what lesson or point was achieved? Do I actually want to be here? Do I actually want to do this internship? Will I gain something new out of it or is it a waste of two years?

I do not have one single answer to any of these questions or thoughts. I sat in a kids room in the church today and cried and prayed (almost demanded) Jesus to come and meet me and talk to me and give me answers because I am at a loss here. “Jesus, what do you want me to do? Because I feel so lonely and lost right now and I know you’re there, but what am I doing?” I asked. There was silence. So I gathered myself together and went back to work. We then drove to the foreigners office once again to talk about another option and they said they will check to see if it would work in order to get a visa. I felt a little better after that. Then when I came home, I had the house to myself, which doesn’t happen often. I played a little worship music, and it was one of those times where you hear a song, that seams to speak all the right things in that moment.

My soul is now at peace and the only thing I have left to say is: “Jesus, through it all, my eyes are on You and it is well with me.” I will continue to follow Him whether that means I stay here, or if I go home. Through it all. 

Tell me about your times of doubt and fear and God’s faithfulness through it all.

xoxo Sara