Curiosity Killed the Cat.

Did you know that this is one of the wisest and true proverbs ever written? Originally, it was written for just literate spunk; thank you Ben Jonson and William Shakespeare. Later, it was transformed into “Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.”

Sadly, this is so true. Think about it…. Alcohol or drugs. Alcohol is a mystery to people who have never experienced its powers. Teenagers long to be under its spell. It makes some curious. However, excessive use and abuse of it can kill. Yet the satisfaction of its power and addiction brings people back.

From a Christian standpoint: Sins makes us naturally curious. Ever wonder how you found yourself in an addiction? Curiosity. Young boys and girls who are curious about their bodies and sexuality find themselves 10 years later addicted to pornography. Sin, as the Word teaches, leads to death. Curiosity leads our souls to death. Yet the worldly satisfaction of whatever it is that kills us, keeps bringing us back.

I know this to be true in my own life. Somehow something will pop up in my mind, usually out of no where, and I become curious and think, “You know what, I don’t know a lot about that… let me just look into it for educational sake.”

This is the biggest lie I have and will continue to tell myself. Because I know that once I do whatever has caught my attention, I will be locked in its arms.

Thankfully, I serve a God who sees the deepest and darkest parts of my past, present and future. He still forgives. He still heals. He still transforms. And He still loves. 

Man, we’re blessed. Can I get a Hallelujah?

Lent.

46 days. 46 days of repentance and mourning in expectation of the Easter Sunday where our Lord is risen from the grave.

Two years ago, I had never heard of the Lenten season. I didn’t even know anything about Ash Wednesday or a time of fasting within the Church. Although Lent and Ash Wednesday is primarily a Catholic observance, I believe it to be an important season of the year. How often do we as believers take a time, congregationally, to fast? Or mourn and observe our sins? How easy is it to forget the ultimate price that Jesus paid? I know I don’t think about the greatness of what Christ did on the cross on a daily basis. But I believe it is important to take some time to remember and repent, genuinely.

The past two years when I was in ID, I participated in Lent. But honestly, I couldn’t tell you what it was that I fasted during that time for two reasons:

1. What I fasted wasn’t anything that played a big role in my life.
2. The fasting season didn’t have any sort of big impact on my life.

This Lenten season I have promised to do the Daniel Fast (no meat, dairy or sugars) for a minimum of 21 days. If by the end of those 21 days I feel the need to continue for the remaining time, then I will do it. For the full 46 days I have given up time spent on Facebook and Instagram. It is crazy to me just how fast one can become almost dependent upon social media sites. I figured if I could give it up for 2 years, then I can go 46 days without it. It will be a good time of reflection and prayer for me. I want this time of fasting to be transformational and something I will never forget. I don’t want to be the same person when I wake up on Easter morning.

I hope and I know that the God I serve is willing to help me in any and all ways in order for me to get there. These 46 days I am intentionally focusing on allowing Him to be the potter and myself the clay. As scary and hard fasting is, it is also beautiful.

Are you planning on fasting anything for Lent this year? Tell me in the comments what you have promised on fasting! I would love to know.

Be blessed,

Sara ❤

Let It Go.

What I am about to talk about has no correlation to the movie, Frozen. So get those lyrics out of your head right now.

Romans 7:15-20 is a daily struggle for the majority of us. We keep coming back to our flesh’s ugly habits. We (our spirits) don’t want to do these things, yet we (our flesh) do them anyway. It’s an ugly cycle where shame, guilt and condemnation can claim its victims. This is the cycle I faced this morning.

When I go into “flesh-mode,” there is almost this moment where my conscience, my emotions and everything just kind of goes numb. Then once it’s all over, I am quickly sobered by conviction. My spirit mourns for the sin I committed against myself and my Lord. Your face falls into your hands and a sigh of regret slips out of your lungs.

The enemy says: God is angry and judging you. How dare you do that once again.

Jesus says: I’m here.

The enemy says: Think of the people you will hurt.

Jesus says: You’re forgiven.

The enemy says: You’re never going to quit this. You’ll just keep doing it over and over again.

Jesus says: I made you free from ALL bondages.

In these times we have the opportunity to choose which voice we want to listen to. Do you want to trust the voice of the wolf who stands in sheep’s clothing waiting to devour you? Or the voice of the One who called you by name and knew you even before you were in the womb? The voice of the One whose name is Truth and Love? The One who stands with open arms and forgiveness in His hands?

I choose to run to Him. Take His hands and stand back up. This walk is a fight, but the enemy cannot keep us down. The GREAT I AM is on our side, O sons and daughters of the MOST HIGH. Praise His Holy Name.

Repent. Then praise.

2015.

I’m sure most of you have set some sort of goals for the year 2015. If you are one of those people that says “I don’t set resolutions because I don’t want to set myself up for failure,” well I hope you set goals for your life at least. And I wish all of you with goals that you meet them! Whether it takes this year, or the next five years!

The Humble Brag

Since I’ve started my blog, people have been telling me that I am “inspirational” or a “really good writer.” I do not want this to be a humble-brag post (for those of you who do not know what a humble-brag is, it is when people literally humbly brag about something they’ve done. For example “So blessed I got to serve over 1,000 people soup today!” This is not the point nor the intention of this post). Hearing this, all I can really do is the traditional slight bowing of the head with a mix of surprised smiling and awkward thanking, acting as if this is the first time someone has told me this. And I know I am not the only person who does this when you receive a compliment. Nevertheless, I have never seen myself as someone who is “inspirational”. What does that even mean? What am I really inspiring you to do? For some reason, when people tell me this, it reminds me of Paul. A lot of people say he is so inspiring because of the things he did and the letters he wrote. You guys, the guy was almost stoned to death, hated by most everyone in every city he went to, shipwrecked and imprisoned numerous times. If anything, this guy had it rough and led a life I wouldn’t want to choose for myself.

Back To The Everyday.

I have been back for almost two days. It’s kind of weird. Okay, not kind of. It is weird. I hate this feeling where it seems like I was never actually in Germany. Or if I was, then it was only for a day or two. Crazy how fast three months can go by. It’s hard to just switch cultures in less than a day’s time. I have experienced mixed feelings about this whole transition. Let me share them with you.

On the way to the Frankfurt airport with Micha, we tried to make it seem as normal as possible. We listened to the same music we always do and we tried not to think about me leaving. But there was traffic because of an accident which made us worried on time. Then we almost died because people decided to start braking all of a sudden. Then it was impossible to figure out the airport parking. Then we couldn’t find where I check in my bags. Then there was a problem with paying for my second bag. Needless to say, we were pretty stressed. We had a solid 20 minutes to just sit together outside of security before I had to go to my gate. This was significantly less time than we had originally planned for. But, at least were together the whole time. The thing about stress, airports and I, is that we are not the best of friends. I always get a stomach ache and feel like throwing up. Throwing the feelings of sadness because of leaving my home for an unknown amount of time on top of that didn’t help at all. When the time came to say goodbye, neither of us were thinking when I scanned myself into the security line and realized that we didn’t hug before I was already through and couldn’t go back. It all happened so fast. I just focused on thinking that I was just coming back to Oregon as a vacation because I know I am going back.

My first flight from Frankfurt to Copenhagen wasn’t too bad. Normally those are the worst because I am leaving German soil. I didn’t even look out the window. I just sat and read my Harry Potter book and tried not to think about it. I tried to sleep. I normally can’t sleep on planes, but I was just emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted because I was also battling a cold. I got to Copenhagen and it was a fabulous little airport. It had a fancy mall on the inside of it. When I was heading to my gate though, I realized I left my boarding passes and passport on the counter of a little stand where I bought a snack and had a little panic attack. The lady there said she gave it to the people at the gate. So I got there and got my stuff back, then shortly after we boarded the next plane. The long 9 hour plane to Chicago. It felt like the longest flight of my life. It never ended. I hardly slept and was exhausted as we finally began to land in the States. I became very repulsed and disgusted by the sight of the States. I had realized just how German I had become in the past three months and being here made hightend my annoyance of being back. This annoyance is directed towards the fact that I felt that I was on the path and road to doing something that I was called to, and now it feels like a detour before I can go back. I don’t know why I am here yet, but that’s basically how I feel.

I was feeling sick and exhausted in Chicago and just wanted to get my last flight over with. I bought some cough medicine at a little store before I boarded my plane and as I walked to my gate, I realized I forgot it on the counter. As I went back, I told the lady it had been a long, rough day. It just seemed like a pile of things going wrong.

Finally, I got on the plane. We were a bit delayed, and although I was annoyed by this and just wanted to leave, I was more annoyed by the man sitting next to me. He was one of those guys who wanted to make it clear to everyone around him that he was annoyed by this delay and thought that verbally describing his feelings with curse words would solve the problem. I have a rough time with people like this. Sometimes I just want to slap them and say, “Bro, there is literally nothing anyone can do about this. Just chill and be patient. We will leave at some point.” Once we finally got going, I was able to doze off for a little bit, even though it was very uncomfortable.

When we landed in Portland, I was just so done. I didn’t want to be there (and I honestly still don’t). I was greeted by some friends and my parents and I just didn’t know how to act.  It was only three months. Didn’t feel like a very long time. Not long enough where I felt like I needed to cry by the sight of my family. That’s just me. But I just wanted to get my bags and leave.

Since being back, I have been in this weird “I want to get things done and make money so I can go back already” focused mood. I don’t really want to see a lot of people, because part of me wants to make it seem like I am still gone. I don’t want to feel embarrassed about being back, but I am because I have no idea what to do. I really don’t like the uncomfortable and unknown. I know this is where God does most of His work in us, but it is really frustrating not knowing what He is doing and what He has up His sleeve. I have a lot of options available to me for what I can do in order to go back. But, figuring out which one He has for me is my current process. It’s like I have a table with a bunch of different plates on it, and I am sitting there with Jesus and we are looking at all of them and I am waiting for Him to help me remove them one by one until there is one left and I know what my next steps are.

I had a job interview this morning. I am intrigued to see where that goes. My experience there formed a question in my mind that I have been wrestling with all day, that I will now bring to you and open up a conversation: Which is more important- the work environment or the pay? So for example, if you didn’t look forward to going to work everyday because the environment was miserable, but the pay and benefits were good, would you work there?

Sorry this is the most unorganized post I have ever written. There is no real theological point I am trying to make. I guess this is just for those who are curious about how I feel about being back so far. This is it. It’s difficult and I ask for patience with me and with my attitude towards being back. I am trying to talk with Jesus about it all and I’m sure things will get better as the days go on.

Please be praying for wisdom and guidance for me through this transition.

xoxo, Sara

How to Be Okay When His Plan Overrules Yours

I also wanted to title this “How To Be Okay When Your Plan Doesn’t Work Out”. But I thought the other one was more fitting.

I am not sure how to say this. I am a melting pot of emotions and feel just really weird. These past few weeks have been crazy emotional and stressful. I haven’t written anything to you in awhile because I wanted to wait to share this with you. As you know, I was having problems with my visa. As of today, it is official that I can not stay in Germany past the 19th because I have not been able to receive a visa to stay past the 90 days given visa-free. I am coming home, friends.

These past few months have been a battle of fighting to get a visa. We would go to the foreigner’s office to show them papers, then have them tell us, “No it won’t work, she doesn’t fit into this kind of visa.” So we would keep going back to try to apply for a different visa: a Freiwilliges Soziales Jahr (Volunteer Year), Student, Praktikum, Ausbildung (Internship). But they wouldn’t recognize the internship in any of these slots. I was not receiving enough money and was informed today that if I were to apply for a year’s visa, I would need all the money for that year up front and already in my bank account (roughly $10-20,000). They wouldn’t accept the fact that I was receiving money monthly from sponsors at home and the reason I wasn’t getting paid for working at the church was because I could live and eat by the Geiselharts. This made these past few months really weird and stressful for me because the time was getting closer and closer to the end of the 90 days. This past week, I knew in my heart that it was going to be a no. It was a little defeating. The final straw was when in one day, I received two letters: one from the foreigner’s office telling me that if we didn’t have any other ideas of a way to get a visa, then I would have to leave by the 19th; the second from my German health insurance which told me they could no longer insure me because they also didn’t recognize the internship. I also got an email that said that I had only received $50 from home (thank you, to those who sent it). This all came on one day and I realized that if those weren’t a sign that God was seriously closing these doors and fast, then I don’t know what a sign is. However, I still had a little hope. I thought, “Maybe this is an opportunity where Jesus wants to show me his sovereignty and strength where he shows me a miracle. I am at the lowest point where I can do literally nothing. All the power is in His hands and maybe He will miraculously turn things around!” Although those statements are true, it didn’t turn out as I would have hoped.

I didn’t get my visa because:

1. I didn’t pray enough.
2. I didn’t have enough faith.
3. I didn’t have enough hope.
4. I didn’t trust Him enough.
5. I did something wrong and now He is punishing me.
6. I was not walking in His will by being here.
7. This isn’t my call.

It can be SO easy to think and believe any one of these was the reason things didn’t work out. But, honestly, that is not the kind of God we serve (I am not going to go into the “Oh, you of little faith” discussion). I have an incredible and supernatural comforting peace about this. Yes, it’s hard and a little confusing because I don’t know what my next step is, BUT, I know Jesus is so intimately close to me through this transition and He is leading me somewhere else and I am so excited to see what else He has for me. But, thankfully I serve a God who is faithful and reminded me of my call, love and passion for Germany. He is a God who has a far better plan than I can currently see. He wants the best for me and will lead me to something incredible. He answered my main prayer this past week: Close the doors You want to close and open those You want to open. My prayers changed from “Help me get my visa” to “Your will be done”. And I think that’s exactly where He wants us. My time here was not a waste of time or money. I have been able to invest into some young people’s lives. Others have invested and poured so much into me and blessed me. I have learned so much more about the German culture. I have met so many new people (and therefore have new connections). And of course I found my Micha. This was definitely a part of God’s plan. Just the not being able to stay was not a part of mine.

What now.

1. Fly home. See you on the 18th.
2. Get a job and start making money to save up for my next step. Got any ideas? Connections? Help?
3. Find a car (goes with step 2).
4. Pray.
5. Wait.

I know my time in Germany is not over. It is just what that looks like is the question. It will be weird coming home after being sent out to basically live here. But let’s think of me coming home as an unexpected, extended and early visit home.

Because I know you will ask: “How is Micha doing with this? How are you guys?” We are surprised by the outcome. We are sad that we no longer have the opportunity to see each other every day any more. We will miss each other so unbelievably much. But we are planning on staying together. Distance doesn’t ruin relationship (ok sometimes it does), but I believe it strengthens it. We believe this time a part will be strengthening for the both of us. It will be a time to grow and truly seek what God has for both of us personally and as a couple. We are currently using up every spare moment we have together and enjoying the times where we can be together, because the day is QUICKLY approaching to when I can no longer hug him or see his pretty face. However, we are talking about visits. Hopefully you guys at home will have the chance to meet him soon. I cannot enter back into Germany until the 22nd of February. So hopefully he comes anytime between now and then. I think that if I don’t have my next step by then, I will come back for a while to visit.

Now I think I told you everything and answered any and all possible questions. If not, ask me in the comments and I will be sure to answer them.

I love you guys. Please continue to be praying for me and this new transition. I am just as in the dark about my future as you guys are. See you soon.

Sara ❤

It Is Well With Me

I don’t really know where to begin with telling you about the emotional roller coaster I have experienced since I’ve been here. Leaving as you know was terrible, but then I was excited to be back. Everything was new and exciting but a little overwhelming at times, but by the end of the day, things would usually settle down a bit and I would feel more at ease. And then… things got weird when someone asked me if I was homesick. I thought I had been fine and then once that question was asked, I knew that I was going to start missing home. Ever since Sunday (when the question was asked), I have been in this weird mood of “now that they mentioned home, now I feel homesick”. I have been noticing the littlest things that make me think of home and it just hurts. Like watching a Dad hug and kiss his daughter on the forehead, or a Mom rushing to her daughter’s aid because she feels sick. I do not have these simple luxuries anymore. Yes, people can try to fill those positions now that I am away from home, but there is no better feeling than feeling like a little kid again and having your parents there for you in those crappy times.

Add to that feelings of nervousness because I don’t know if I will be able to stay longer than three months because I might not be able to get a visa. Through that comes feelings of doubt. These past few days, my mind treats things as if I am only staying for three months, “Oh, doesn’t matter that I forgot that at home since I’ll be there soon anyway.” From that comes fear of actually staying because my mind has created this image of being able to go home and be comfortable once again.

However, here are my thoughts. They are a bit jumbled.

I don’t think you guys understand how embarrassing it would be to have to come back after three months to my home town, where my church community has prayed over me and sent me out. I made this trip to Germany out to be this HUGE move and… then I would have to be sent back? “Thanks for your support guys, but it didn’t really work out.” And, if I did go back, what would I do? Go to school? Get a job? Work another internship at a church? Move out? Stay at home? I have no idea. But it would be easier for me to do all those things than it is to do one of them here. But I would miss Germany and want to come here all the time. Is my calling really here? If it is, is it for now? Am I supposed to only be here for three months? If so, what lesson or point was achieved? Do I actually want to be here? Do I actually want to do this internship? Will I gain something new out of it or is it a waste of two years?

I do not have one single answer to any of these questions or thoughts. I sat in a kids room in the church today and cried and prayed (almost demanded) Jesus to come and meet me and talk to me and give me answers because I am at a loss here. “Jesus, what do you want me to do? Because I feel so lonely and lost right now and I know you’re there, but what am I doing?” I asked. There was silence. So I gathered myself together and went back to work. We then drove to the foreigners office once again to talk about another option and they said they will check to see if it would work in order to get a visa. I felt a little better after that. Then when I came home, I had the house to myself, which doesn’t happen often. I played a little worship music, and it was one of those times where you hear a song, that seams to speak all the right things in that moment.

My soul is now at peace and the only thing I have left to say is: “Jesus, through it all, my eyes are on You and it is well with me.” I will continue to follow Him whether that means I stay here, or if I go home. Through it all. 

Tell me about your times of doubt and fear and God’s faithfulness through it all.

xoxo Sara

See Sara Go To Bühl

I went, I flew, I came. I’m here. Well. I can’t even begin to describe to you how I am feeling and how things have been so far. If I had one word, it would be: Incredible.

I guess I will start by telling you what leaving was like. The worst. All I wanted to do was breakdown and cry (and I did in the bathroom of the airport). I tried to hold myself together as I said goodbye to Sami and Emily who were also there, and also to my parents who came to the gate with me. I wanted the goodbye to be quick and harmless, like ripping a band-aid off. But you know those times when something hurts, but you are with people and you say it’s fine, but you are just waiting until you can leave to go to your room and cry because it’s not fine? Well, that was basically how I felt. Once I got on my first plane to Seattle, I wrote down on my phone how I was feeling, as a way to vent. Here is what I wrote: