I have been back for almost two days. It’s kind of weird. Okay, not kind of. It is weird. I hate this feeling where it seems like I was never actually in Germany. Or if I was, then it was only for a day or two. Crazy how fast three months can go by. It’s hard to just switch cultures in less than a day’s time. I have experienced mixed feelings about this whole transition. Let me share them with you.
On the way to the Frankfurt airport with Micha, we tried to make it seem as normal as possible. We listened to the same music we always do and we tried not to think about me leaving. But there was traffic because of an accident which made us worried on time. Then we almost died because people decided to start braking all of a sudden. Then it was impossible to figure out the airport parking. Then we couldn’t find where I check in my bags. Then there was a problem with paying for my second bag. Needless to say, we were pretty stressed. We had a solid 20 minutes to just sit together outside of security before I had to go to my gate. This was significantly less time than we had originally planned for. But, at least were together the whole time. The thing about stress, airports and I, is that we are not the best of friends. I always get a stomach ache and feel like throwing up. Throwing the feelings of sadness because of leaving my home for an unknown amount of time on top of that didn’t help at all. When the time came to say goodbye, neither of us were thinking when I scanned myself into the security line and realized that we didn’t hug before I was already through and couldn’t go back. It all happened so fast. I just focused on thinking that I was just coming back to Oregon as a vacation because I know I am going back.
My first flight from Frankfurt to Copenhagen wasn’t too bad. Normally those are the worst because I am leaving German soil. I didn’t even look out the window. I just sat and read my Harry Potter book and tried not to think about it. I tried to sleep. I normally can’t sleep on planes, but I was just emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted because I was also battling a cold. I got to Copenhagen and it was a fabulous little airport. It had a fancy mall on the inside of it. When I was heading to my gate though, I realized I left my boarding passes and passport on the counter of a little stand where I bought a snack and had a little panic attack. The lady there said she gave it to the people at the gate. So I got there and got my stuff back, then shortly after we boarded the next plane. The long 9 hour plane to Chicago. It felt like the longest flight of my life. It never ended. I hardly slept and was exhausted as we finally began to land in the States. I became very repulsed and disgusted by the sight of the States. I had realized just how German I had become in the past three months and being here made hightend my annoyance of being back. This annoyance is directed towards the fact that I felt that I was on the path and road to doing something that I was called to, and now it feels like a detour before I can go back. I don’t know why I am here yet, but that’s basically how I feel.
I was feeling sick and exhausted in Chicago and just wanted to get my last flight over with. I bought some cough medicine at a little store before I boarded my plane and as I walked to my gate, I realized I forgot it on the counter. As I went back, I told the lady it had been a long, rough day. It just seemed like a pile of things going wrong.
Finally, I got on the plane. We were a bit delayed, and although I was annoyed by this and just wanted to leave, I was more annoyed by the man sitting next to me. He was one of those guys who wanted to make it clear to everyone around him that he was annoyed by this delay and thought that verbally describing his feelings with curse words would solve the problem. I have a rough time with people like this. Sometimes I just want to slap them and say, “Bro, there is literally nothing anyone can do about this. Just chill and be patient. We will leave at some point.” Once we finally got going, I was able to doze off for a little bit, even though it was very uncomfortable.
When we landed in Portland, I was just so done. I didn’t want to be there (and I honestly still don’t). I was greeted by some friends and my parents and I just didn’t know how to act. It was only three months. Didn’t feel like a very long time. Not long enough where I felt like I needed to cry by the sight of my family. That’s just me. But I just wanted to get my bags and leave.
Since being back, I have been in this weird “I want to get things done and make money so I can go back already” focused mood. I don’t really want to see a lot of people, because part of me wants to make it seem like I am still gone. I don’t want to feel embarrassed about being back, but I am because I have no idea what to do. I really don’t like the uncomfortable and unknown. I know this is where God does most of His work in us, but it is really frustrating not knowing what He is doing and what He has up His sleeve. I have a lot of options available to me for what I can do in order to go back. But, figuring out which one He has for me is my current process. It’s like I have a table with a bunch of different plates on it, and I am sitting there with Jesus and we are looking at all of them and I am waiting for Him to help me remove them one by one until there is one left and I know what my next steps are.
I had a job interview this morning. I am intrigued to see where that goes. My experience there formed a question in my mind that I have been wrestling with all day, that I will now bring to you and open up a conversation: Which is more important- the work environment or the pay? So for example, if you didn’t look forward to going to work everyday because the environment was miserable, but the pay and benefits were good, would you work there?
Sorry this is the most unorganized post I have ever written. There is no real theological point I am trying to make. I guess this is just for those who are curious about how I feel about being back so far. This is it. It’s difficult and I ask for patience with me and with my attitude towards being back. I am trying to talk with Jesus about it all and I’m sure things will get better as the days go on.
Please be praying for wisdom and guidance for me through this transition.
xoxo, Sara
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